The boob post.

I never thought I would write such a detailed post about my breasts, let alone how much of a pain they can be. I mean they're small and don't really get in the way - I can run without support just fine and I'd be stretched to squish them into a little black dress (they don't really squish). I'm talking about literal pain... and here I am: slightly delirious from flu like symptoms, typing away with potato in my bra. 

Yeah, a fucking potato. Mr. Potato Head met his maker today (but part of him is getting some serious action). 

I have a blocked duct. Or, with the low energy-nauseous-achy all over-can't seem to get warm no matter how many blankets I pile on - kind of feeling, mastitis. The later is likely but we won't know for sure until tomorrow. There is a script in my purse that I am hesitant to fill. My lactation consultant agrees.

I love my breasts, so it pains me to write anything ill about them. (HA! Sorry that just kind of happened!) But in all seriousness this is one of the most painful things I have experienced. 

It started with a stabbing pain in my left breast. I was walking up the stairs, minding my own business when Ghosty decided to punch me right in the boob. Okay, it wasn't the ghost apparently, it was my breast producing milk and my duct not allowing it to flow.

My daughter is almost two and a half and I have nursed her (just once a day, if that, for the past few months) this long without having any complications. A wee bit of chapping when she was first born but no yeast issues, no latch problems and thankfully no concern when it came to supply. Which is how at 2.5 when she's feeling really off at a party and needing comfort I can nurse her just fine. 

After my appointment today, we assume it's because my supply is still abundant and she was able to get it flowing again with a big nurse on the weekend, but she didn't quite drain it.... and voila! A blockage. I am amazed that it can happen that easily and how the pain came on so suddenly. That pain? It's severe. 

I found this article that is really close to what my specialist was saying - and although I recommend you head to one yourself - this might give you some comfort and help you stay on top of it. 

Or, if you've been through this - what's the best way you got things flowing again?

The Best Day of My Life

Today. Today is going to be the best day of my life. 

Why?

Because my daughter asked to dance with me. 

I work part time at a theatre which sometimes can lead to incredibly late and long I've-been-on-my-feet-for-6-hours-straight-with-no-break nights. Last night was one of them. Exhaustion this morning took over my limbs but my daughter thankfully doesn't understand and insisted "MAMA! Mama get up!!!" 

Penelope help my hand as I obligingly roused myself and lead me towards my slippers and a blissfully delicious cup of coffee. We made a smoothie together (ever see a 2+ year old react to a blender being used? I highly recommend it), sat and shared a glass together, and then she looked up at me and said words that are music to my soul...

"Mama, I want to dance!"

We sat on the computer and I let her chose what categories she wanted from Songza. Her choices lead us here. (Take three and a half minutes to listen... and if you fancy - dance!)




At first we just danced on our own, then danced down the hallway and in circles - and then this moment came where she asked to be picked up. Climbing my torso like a tree she pulled herself up so we were cheek and cheek, pressed her face against mine as hard as she could, wrapped her arms around my neck and said, "Love you Mama". And then we danced with our faces squished against each other, holding each other tightly and hoping the song would never end. Okay, that last part might just have been me ;)

best. dance. of. my. life.

The big BIG emotions of a two year old... and the even bigger emotions of her mama

We have a two year old.

That sentence should be all I need to type for most to understand and empathize with what we've been struggling with over the past little while. The tantrums, the NOs, the refusal to get dressed/brush teeth/eat dinner/go to bed, pushing us away in anger, the whining - oh. my. gods. the whining and stubbornness to boot. 

It's the big emotions of a two year old - they're growing and developing at a rapid rate and they are responding authentically, albeit brain stabbingly painfully for us. I envy the truth to their actions and emotions. 

My emotions are just as big, maybe even bigger, as I learn how to deal with the anger that results from the shrieking-hairpulling-punching-kicking-and-screaming-in-the-middle-of-the-street-moments. I'm not proud. I yell at my kid sometimes. I wish I could tap in to some ujjayi breath and pause before I react more often than I do, but honestly ...
by the end of the day I want to be the one shrieking-hairpulling-punching-kicking-and-screaming. 

We have been taught, trained, to unlearn natural human responses as we've grown into adulthood. We're taught not to cry when we're sad, or not to yell when we're angry. The focus has been on happiness and bliss for so long we are forgetting what it's like to react to our authentic emotions. 

The only thing we seem to be encouraged to do is to laugh or smile when we're happy. A lot of people can't even cry when they're sad because they've been so conditioned. I once wrote about screaming into pillows - and underwater - and it's the greatest feeling because you can release the emotion that has boiled up inside you. 

Really, that's all our toddlers are doing... releasing and expressing their emotions. I want to try to let my girl work her emotions out for herself - for her to learn how to be a good listener and understand what is happening. I know, I know... it'll come with time. 

For now I'm trying to focus on the flip side. That with all of the above comes the wonderous development of a two year old. Seeing them struggle with a puzzle or a toy and its mechanics only to witness the "ah-ha" moment when it seems to click for them. Hearing them try to string sentences together in an attempt to communicate more fully... and hearing them repeat the same word over and over trying to get their point across through the power of inflection. 

Discovering colours, feeling how their bodies move when they dance and how their voice sounds when they sing. Learning to use the toilet and brush their own teeth... it's all fascinating to watch. 

That being said... I'm still looking for ways to stop and breathe before reacting. Have any tips?