Welcome to the Terrible Twos

When we struggled with how to handle our daughter’s biting/hitting/kicking/pinching/slapping, a lot of people – friends and strangers alike – tended to comment the same way, “oh, wait until she hits those terrible twos” and smile sweetly as if they know terrible secrets of what’s to come.

Well, here we are. The second birthday has passed. My suit of armour is shined and I’m ready for battle. Let’s be honest, the tantrums have been happening for a while and the comments have been happening even longer. While we tend to think, “people just like to give advice,” I’m starting to think people simply like to add another to their circle of misery. What’s that they say about it enjoying company?

I’m not quite sure where the incessant need to crap on someone’s parade comes from, rather than offer solutions or introduce other parents to tactics that might encourage her to be more gentle. Is it like this all over the globe? Or is this a horrible first world problem that just needs to stop?

Mama drama, competitive playgroups and partner and MIL bitching sessions aside, I want to know why people insist on pointing out how much worse it’s going to get! 

Telling me today that my daughter’s massive, epic shit storm is nothing in comparison of what’s to come isn’t going to make me feel better about having to deal with today.

Is it because they feel the responsibility to warn parents that the proverbial shit is about to hit the fan? Do they feel that because they had to endure it, now it’s their turn to sit on higher ground watching someone else go through it?

So here’s a thought... all the parents who now have young toddlers, let’s take a vow to refrain from telling new moms it’s going to get worse. Let’s instead offer encouragement. I’m not talking about blowing smoke and making things seem all rosy - always be REAL! But, hey teething sucks, growing pains are tough, brain development is happening at a rapid pace and we already know these are going to be hard years ahead. How about we tell our friend, or that stranger in the park who is on the verge of tears because her kid just bit her, ran away and is climbing on top of the four year old by the slide and simply won’t listen to her, that she is an INCREDIBLE MOM and offer to help!

I want people in my life who make a choice to help each other through the tantrums with funny tales, who will be there through the breakdowns with a hug – because tears flow after you’ve been kicked in the nose for the fourth time that day – or bring coffee (or even better, wine) to parents who have had especially long, difficult days. My favorite: show up at their doorstep unannounced when you know they’ve had a sleepless night and offer to take the kid for a walk so they can nap, or read, or sit in a tub with a glass of wine. Yes, you are seeing a trend – every mama needs wine!

Let’s come together to make the twos (and from what I’m hearing now... threes) a little more bearable. 

What have you done to help out a new parent with a crazy toddler?

The silence

You know that moment - right after your toddler has been running around literally bouncing off the walls, and every other surface possible, and pulling your hair and shrieking and chasing the cat - when there's actually a blissful moment silence.

While you sit and allow yourself to enjoy the 3 minutes of silence, you have this thought tip toeing its way to the front of your mind:
nothing good ever comes from a child playing quietly in the next room.

Last time it was the marker. Not just any marker mind you - a giant permanent black marker, and I thanked the cleaning gods my daughter likes to draw on paper and not the walls. She also likes to draw on her body. 

Awesome I know... but it washes off. 

This time, it was the marker - a slim sharpie in the color of, yes you guessed it, black! In which she decided she had had enough of drawing on paper and her body and decided that the newly distressed antique sewing machine I had done for the walk in closet would be her latest victim. 

And this is how I learned that (helpful tip) nail polish remover takes off permanent marker -- mind you it took off a bit of the paint but thankfully it's a distressed look so it works.

I have no idea where she keeps finding these hidden markers but I'm now on round up duty!

duck duck goose - toilet games with a toddler

Have you ever tried using the washroom with a toddler? It's a little bit like duck duck goose. You turn around and around until you can eventually catch them unaware, bop them on the head and sit down quickly. 

Now try doing that in a public restroom. Trying to keep them passive for the duration of your visit to the porcelain throne is hard work but usually possible. 

Unless you get the trots. 

Once you're 'shituated' (sorry I couldn't resist) it's not like you can get off the toilet to coerce them not to crawl under the bathroom stall door and take off with the first friendly looking stranger. So, you frantically root through the diaper bag looking for a toy, a book, a snack... anything to occupy your little explorer until your body has concluded its evacuation.

Of course if you're like me, you forgot to fill the snack trap, the books came out on the car ride to the store and in your haste to get to the washroom in time, there they remain on the backseat and you're pretty sure that cute little wooden truck fell out in the parking lot as you attempted to rush inside with a toddler who - only when it's inconvenient - insists on walking everywhere on her own.

So, after you have attempted to give a puppet show with diapers, and had a tea party with a water bottle and an empty Tupperware container, and you only need 2 more minutes, when you find that stale, broken, MAGNIFICENT cookie at the bottom of the bottom of the bag, you weep just a little.

Now, you are the mama who is hidden in the stall with your toddler who is happily munching away on a cookie while you cry tears of joy and you thank the gods it's not Montezuma's revenge.